Moms have to do it all…or do they? When we understand the full cost of the choices we make, we are able to let go of perfectionism and better utilize our time and energy to focus on what matters most in life.
I am a perfectionist by nature. I like things neat and organized, and I abhor clutter. I even eat my Skittles in reverse rainbow order for goodness sake (I know, I’m weird).
In many ways, my perfectionism has served me well in life. I was always a good student in school, I had a successful career as a teacher, and I have a box of certificates and plaques for countless hours spent trying to produce the best possible work in any situation.
I will never forget the very last paper I wrote in college–a ten-page analysis of three dystopian novels–for my senior English course. The day before it was due, I only had two pages written (and a slew of notecards), and I was bracing for an all-nighter. A friend of mine tried to convince me that I should just throw together a mediocre paper and be done with it. After all, he reasoned, if I could do just enough to get a C on the paper, I’d still get an A in the class. So, why kill myself to do more? But I couldn’t bring myself to turn in something less than my best effort…especially my last paper…so I spent until 7:00 a.m. the next morning writing, re-writing, and editing. Bleary-eyed, I went to class the next day and presented my research and analysis, and I got an A on the paper. And do you know what? I got an A in the class…just like I would have gotten if I had gotten a C on the paper.
Was it worth the effort and the lack of sleep? I’m still not sure. I’m proud of that writing, and I’m glad I was able to walk out of my university knowing I gave it all I had. However, the older I get, the more I’m realizing that there needs to be balance in all things.
The problem with perfection
You see, there is a problem with perfectionism–especially in motherhood.
Motherhood isn’t orderly or predictable. It comes with lots of clutter, sleep-deprivation, and last-minute changes of plans. For a perfectionist like me, that is HARD. You see, I’m a good planner, and I want things to go according to plan. I have a schedule. I have a to-do list. I know what I “should” be able to accomplish each day if everything happens the way I’ve planned it.
But that’s not realistic in motherhood (or life in general, really), and so I sometimes end up frustrated and disappointed. Maybe one day my two-year-old refuses to nap, or the boys totally do not get engaged in the really fun activity I had planned, or I can’t find the right kind of glue at the store, or WHATEVER. Stuff goes wrong. It’s just the way life is…especially when your life involves some super-adorable-but-completely-unpredictable little people. Life isn’t perfect. But does that mean I can’t be happy?
In The Problem with Perfectionism, Trish Blackwell explains that “Perfection doesn’t exist. The fact that we true to pursue it anyways is the sign that we are living in the quest of approval or affirmation rather than in the pursuit of living well itself.” Ouch. How often am I trying to be “perfect” not because it really brings me joy but because I worry about how I will appear to others?
According to Blackwell, perfectionists tend to have guilt about underachieving, feel stress about needing to do “everything”, get wrapped up in the details of a project at the expense of the overall outcome, and they often don’t fully enjoy the present because they are always looking for a “more perfect” future.
Oops. That’s totally me.
Blackwell continues, “The perfectionist’s response to anxiety is to work harder and accomplish more and more.”
Yep, still me. (Oh, it’s you, too? At least we’re in this together.)
Or at least it used to be me, and sometimes I still get on the crazy merry-go-round for a little while before I catch myself and make myself stop. Because there is a better way to live than to work and work, and do more and more, and give and give until we work ourselves right into an emotional breakdown.
Learning to be “satisficient”
A few years ago, my sister changed the way I view perfection. She introduced me to the word “satisficient,” which is her made up combination of the words satisfactory and efficient.
She and I define it as doing something in such a way that it is satisfactory to the point of being efficient. It doesn’t mean that you do a poor job at anything. It just means that you make a value judgement about when you’ve reached the point at which the effort you’re putting in is no longer worth the amount of improvement in the result you’re achieving.
You consider the opportunity cost.
Remember back to high school economics? Waaaay back? Opportunity cost is “a benefit, profit, or value of something that must be given up to acquire or achieve something else. Since every resource (land, money, time, etc.) can be put to alternative uses, every action, choice, or decision has an associated opportunity cost.” (source)
Some costs are measured in dollars. Others are measured in time, memories, happiness, relationships, etc. Every choice has a cost.
If I choose to have a perfectly clean house, what do I give up in exchange? Time that I could have spent playing with my kids or pursuing a hobby? Money to hire someone else to clean it that could have been spent on something else?
If I choose to sew a quilt for a baby shower gift instead of just buying a gift at the store, what have I paid for it in time, energy, and stress?
One choice isn’t inherently better than the other, but I will be happier when I make a decision that is consistent with my goals and values. This means that we need to be asking ourselves every day what really matters to us.
I cannot do everything, and I certainly can’t do everything perfectly. That’s the beauty of being satisficient. I don’t try to do everything perfectly anymore. Instead, I strive to be efficient.
And that, I’m realizing, is a better kind of “perfect”. It’s finding balance and being able to let go of the desire to make it just a little bit better.
A challenge
Think about your day today. What have you spent your time on? Do the things you did today make you happy?
Try to find an area of your life where you can save yourself a little time and energy by striving for “satisficient” instead of perfect.
P.S. – Please don’t stress over making “perfect” use of your time (I know you were starting to worry about it). Just make an effort to be more mindful of what you are paying in time, energy, and stress for all the many things you strive to accomplish in life. It’s about stressing LESS about the things we don’t accomplish and recognizing the value in the things we ARE doing for ourselves and our families. Little changes in perspective can make a big difference!
Do struggle with perfectionism? What do you think of aiming for “satisficient” instead of perfect?
This is great, especially your PS at the end! Us perfectionists have a lot of common thinking patterns, don’t we? Yesterday I was cleaning the kitchen floor and noticed my son staring out the window at the snow falling. He is 13 months old, so snow is still a pretty new thing to him. I thought I could finish the job I was doing, or bundle us up to take him outside. So we went outside to build memories! Until he fell face first into the snow a minute later and was miserable… but at least we tried! hahah
Way to go, you! Sometimes, the floors need to cleaned now, but sometimes the kids need to be loved NOW, and I always feel good when I choose making memories with my boys. Even if it was short-lived. Still, call it a win!
Inspiring, as always! ❤️
Thanks, April!
Perfectionism was my biggest personal enemy when I had a newborn. I love the idea of being satisficient. And I am a trained (not practicing) home ec teacher! LOL!
The transition to being a mom was SOO hard for me, too. I loved that little baby (who is now 4), but I had a hard time getting used to the lack of control & predictability in my life that I had relied on for so long!
I love this post. I definitely struggle with this off and on but this is a great reminder.
I think a LOT of moms struggle with it. We’ve got to stick together and remind each other of what’s important. Thanks, Jehava.
I used to feel the same way but I quickly realized that I cannot hold onto that mentality now that I’m a mother. It was a blessing in disguise honestly.
I am EXACTLY like this. And it has been a challenge for me to combat this in motherhood. I strive to become perfect at accepting less than perfection all the time!
“I strive to become perfect at accepting less than perfection all the time!”…Classic! Thanks for making me laugh!
Love this. I needed to read this. I am such a perfectionist and it makes me so hard on myself! I love the word satisficient!
Thanks, Vicki. I’m way too hard on myself, too. Stuff that NO ONE else would ever notice totally bugs me. But I’m TRYING to be better about appreciating the good instead of nit-picking the imperfections. Imperfect can still be beautiful and inspiring.
Meg, I was/am that student too! I proofread my dissertation three times *before* my defense, a ludicrous thing to do given that nearly everyone has to revise post-defense. I really like the way you frame perfection in terms of opportunity cost, and am going to keep those costs in mind this week while writing for my own blog. An imperfect submitted piece is much better than a perfect unsubmitted one.
Thanks for stopping by, Stephanie. I read something recently that said, “Done is better than perfect.” Just like you said, sometimes you just have to know when to STOP. So hard though, when you think of “just one more thing” right?